Friday, March 29, 2013

Body image issues

I need to have a girly moment here...
This might sound crazy, but I think my spine may be sparking a bit of an identity crisis.
I've always loved dressing up and buying clothes. It is so annoying to go shopping and pick up things that I love, only to find out when I put them on that they look terrible on my body. Therefore, I no longer know what I like, because I no longer know what size I really am or what shapes look best on me (if there are any..) I am actually a 5'9" girl squashed into a 5'5" girl's body. It's frustrating. I hate shopping. I hate trying on clothes.
Things I would like to wear without feeling self-conscious about something;
I would like to wear a flowy top without it awkwardly hanging down from my shoulders in the back and making it look like I am fat and have no butt.
I would like to wear a high-waisted skirt without the waistband getting all scrunched and hanging crooked on my hips.
I would like to wear an open-back dress without exposing my rib hump and feeling like Quasimodo.
I would like to wear a bikini without worrying about my lopsided waist or my ribs sticking out.
I would like to proudly wear a bodycon dress.
Hopefully the surgery will not only lessen my pain,
but also help with the body image issues.
 Blah. I know everybody is self-conscious about something.
I'm not the only one.
Bent but not broken,
P.S. 33 days!

Friday, March 15, 2013

May day!

It's done. I scheduled it. May 1st is the day. Now I get to deal with my nerves for the next 46 days. And damnit, if I'm not just a little bit excited... It'll be nice to someday be mostly free of back pain and to stand straight and tall, which I have never been able to do. It seems scary now, but I hope it's worth it in the end.

Bent but not broken,

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Ignorance is not bliss

One night a couple weeks ago I was having a really hard time getting to sleep because I was in so much pain. It was making me super stressed out and upset, so I called my sissy-poo for some support. I cried to her on the phone about how all this surgery stuff is so overwhelming and that I just didn't know where to start. She offered to help me put together a surgery "To Do" list. She made a Google document and e-mailed it to me, and it has actually really helped motivate me to start getting my shit together. I've spent the past couple days making phone calls on my lunch breaks. I talked to the nurse at my surgeon's office and asked her some questions. I found out my in-hospital recovery will only be 3-4 nights, not an entire week, which is a relief. And my out-of-work recovery will be a minimum of 8 weeks. She also had their financial department work up some numbers for me, and I found out that after my insurance I will only be paying a maximum of about $4,800. That is SO much less than I thought it would be! I thought I would owe like $20,000 and be in debt for the rest of my life. I really feel a lot better asking questions and getting answers than I did worrying about it and trying to come up with things on my own. Ignorance is not bliss. I have been in a ton of pain lately, to the point where I now need to take TylenolPM just to fall asleep at night. I don't want to put this surgery off any longer than I need to. I think want to get it done and over with soon. Fuck waiting until September, and fuck being in pain all the time. If I'm going to be in pain, I might as well be healing and not just sitting here getting worse, right?

Bent but not broken,