Monday, April 29, 2013

Two days! :(

Gah, it's sneaking up so fast. Friday was my last day and my friends at work threw me a party since I won't be there for 3 months. Today I did a lot of cleaning and running around doing last minute things. (And getting attacked by a devil dog while walking Lyla, but that is a story for a different day..)

Tomorrow is my last pre-op appointment with Dr. Roh, then after we get home Jon is bringing Lyla to his parents house for a few days. Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I'm going to miss her so much! I have to keep reminding myself that it's not the end of the world and that I will see her again soon. And that she will be with his parents who will take good care of her and she likes being at their house and it won't be a big deal. She'll miss us, and we'll miss her, but when we get back home we'll just be really excited to see each other and have lots of snuggling to do.

My mom's coming tomorrow too, so that she can go up to the hospital with us in the morning. The next couple days are going to be so weird. Well, to be fair, I guess the next couple of months are going to be so weird. Normalcy is over for awhile.

Sigh. I'm nervous. But soon I won't have to be nervous anymore and the scary part will be over.

Bent but not broken,

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

One week. (Eek!)

Soon my back will look like this!

Well, that week totally flew by. Holy shit. At this time next Wednesday my surgery will be over and I'll be in my room at the hospital!

I had my pre-anesthesiology appointment and lab work done last Friday morning. It wasn't too bad. Jon went with me for moral support, which helped a lot. I had to do a lot of stuff at the hospital, but it really didn't take too long. Signed forms, anesthesiology interview, blood pressure, heart rate, EKG, chest x-ray, urinalysis, and blood work. They had to take so many vials of blood, I thought I was going to pass out. The nurse was like "This vial will be to test your clotting, this vial is to test your antibodies, this vial is to check your blood type, this vial is to check your nutrients..." and the list went on. I felt really icky afterwards, but it passed quickly. Then Jon took me out for a delicious breakfast and made everything all better!

Tomorrow morning I have to go to my GP to get a medical release for surgery I guess. And then Friday is my last day of work. We might be going down to Jon's parents on Sunday to visit, then Monday I'll have to get my stuff together for the hospital. Tuesday I have my pre-op appointment with Dr. Roh, Jon is taking Lyla to his parents house (this is the part I'm most upset about! ugh! my puppy!), and my mom is driving up to our apartment and will sleep over so she can come to the hospital with us in the morning. At the ass crack of dawn. My surgery is at 7:30 a.m. and I have to be there at 5:30. Ugh. At least I'll be sleeping most of the day so it won't really matter? Hah. Optimism. 

I'll have to remember to take some before photos, because I don't know if they're going to do that for me at Dr. Roh's office or not, and I'll definitely want to have before and afters!

Bent but not broken,

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Two weeks.

Sleeping has been horrible. I don't think I've gotten a full, comfortable, restful nights sleep in at least 3 weeks. I have anxiety dreams all night and wake up exhausted. I am tired every day. I can't get to work on time because it's so hard to get out of bed. My head aches. My body aches. I am so over it.

My surgery is 2 weeks from today. 
It's all starting to feel real and I'm starting to feel scared.

I got a call from my surgery scheduler today, who gave me a list of dates and times of pre-op appointments that I need to go to in the next couple weeks. I actually burst into tears tonight at the thought of not seeing my dog for 5 days. Is that normal? Haha. Probably not... I don't even know how long I will be in the hospital. It could be 4 days, it could be a week, it could even be longer if there are complications. 

I hate not knowing. That's probably what makes this so scary. I don't know for sure that the surgery will go well. I don't know for sure that I will be in less pain once I am healed. I don't know what my body will look like. I don't know if my daily tasks will be helped or hindered by this surgery.

I just wish that living in pain or fusing my spine weren't my only two options in life. I hate that some people are acting like I am making a bad decision. Just because it's not something that they can see or recognize as a serious problem, they don't think it's a big deal and that I should just be able to live with it, or that there are other things I can do to fix it.

This is not something I decided to do on a whim. I tried physical therapy. I tried pain-killers. I thought about it for about a month before I finally arrived at my decision to schedule my surgery. This surgery is life-changing. It's not an easy way out. I will be in pain. I will be out of work for months. I will have to learn new ways to move and do things. I will basically have to re-train my body. There is no going back after spinal fusion surgery. But I know deep down that this is my best option, or else I risk my curve getting worse, and being in increasingly more pain over time.

I just want it all to be over.
Two more weeks...

Bent but not broken,