Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Two weeks.

Sleeping has been horrible. I don't think I've gotten a full, comfortable, restful nights sleep in at least 3 weeks. I have anxiety dreams all night and wake up exhausted. I am tired every day. I can't get to work on time because it's so hard to get out of bed. My head aches. My body aches. I am so over it.

My surgery is 2 weeks from today. 
It's all starting to feel real and I'm starting to feel scared.

I got a call from my surgery scheduler today, who gave me a list of dates and times of pre-op appointments that I need to go to in the next couple weeks. I actually burst into tears tonight at the thought of not seeing my dog for 5 days. Is that normal? Haha. Probably not... I don't even know how long I will be in the hospital. It could be 4 days, it could be a week, it could even be longer if there are complications. 

I hate not knowing. That's probably what makes this so scary. I don't know for sure that the surgery will go well. I don't know for sure that I will be in less pain once I am healed. I don't know what my body will look like. I don't know if my daily tasks will be helped or hindered by this surgery.

I just wish that living in pain or fusing my spine weren't my only two options in life. I hate that some people are acting like I am making a bad decision. Just because it's not something that they can see or recognize as a serious problem, they don't think it's a big deal and that I should just be able to live with it, or that there are other things I can do to fix it.

This is not something I decided to do on a whim. I tried physical therapy. I tried pain-killers. I thought about it for about a month before I finally arrived at my decision to schedule my surgery. This surgery is life-changing. It's not an easy way out. I will be in pain. I will be out of work for months. I will have to learn new ways to move and do things. I will basically have to re-train my body. There is no going back after spinal fusion surgery. But I know deep down that this is my best option, or else I risk my curve getting worse, and being in increasingly more pain over time.

I just want it all to be over.
Two more weeks...

Bent but not broken,

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